Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I think this cat is broken
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.