Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!