It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Well, this is awkward
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*