I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
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It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.