ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣