My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.