“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
You Might Also Like
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.