“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Bootstraps
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL