ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You Might Also Like
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.