I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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Damn he played himself
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.