My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Wait for it
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch