*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job