I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Stop sending me this shit.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.