I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.