Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
felt that
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.