My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
me hooking up with my ex
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend