[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.