Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
You Might Also Like
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Can Happiness buy money?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”