The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
that de-escalated quickly
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!