As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
You Might Also Like
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray