Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.