My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
We all have our pet causes.