I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.