*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.