Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task