“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.