i actually laughed 馃槱
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(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I鈥檒l end you.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I鈥檇 expected.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Shaggy: look out, it鈥檚 a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there鈥檚 no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can鈥檛 even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
tired of age gap discourse. now let鈥檚 do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there鈥檚 an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.