When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.