Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.