I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.