Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.