Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Many hands make light work
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.