I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
liiiiiiiiike
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
love it when they get my name right
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
j o i m p