*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
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4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Meow
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I’ve been drinking.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”