“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.