I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.