Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably