I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.