“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Favourite diary entry ever
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale