I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.