Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
don’t be scared
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?