I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital