“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT