Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?