a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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Yup….perfect score!
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
No. He’s not coming out to play
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?