If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry