Thrilling chase underway
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.