Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.