“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You Might Also Like
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.