On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.